What You’re Not Changing, You’re Choosing

There’s a moment in every relationship—or life situation—where you realize that staying the same isn’t just a default; it’s a decision. The messy fights, the stagnant career, the unspoken “what are we” in a situationship—it’s all too easy to blame circumstance, timing, or even fate. But at some point, you have to ask yourself: Am I really stuck, or am I just staying?

The truth hit me one day, plain and simple: What you’re not changing, you’re choosing.

It’s a simple statement, but it’s uncomfortable in its clarity. Because acknowledging it means owning up to all the ways we keep ourselves in places, relationships, or patterns that no longer serve us. It’s easier to say, “I can’t leave,” than it is to admit, “I’m choosing to stay.”

Take the friend who’s been “thinking” about breaking up with her boyfriend for the last six months. Every time I ask her why she hasn’t, she says, “It’s complicated.” And it is—love is always complicated. But complexity doesn’t negate choice. She’s not just accepting his flaws; she’s actively choosing to stay with someone who doesn’t meet her needs.

Or consider the person who hates their job but refuses to update their resume. They’ll say, “The market’s tough” or “I don’t have time,” but let’s call it what it is: a choice to stay comfortable, even if comfortable feels miserable.

Why do we do this? Why do we stay in places that make us unhappy, tethered to things we know deep down aren’t right?

Maybe it’s fear. Change is messy, uncertain, and full of risks. It’s so much easier to stay in the familiar—even if the familiar is slowly draining the life out of you. Or maybe it’s hope. We tell ourselves that if we just wait long enough, things will magically get better, as if time alone can solve problems that require action.

But here’s the thing about choosing not to change: it doesn’t make the problems go away. It just makes us complicit in them.

So, how do you start making changes instead of defaulting to choices you don’t want?

First, get honest with yourself. If something feels off, don’t explain it away. Sit with it. Ask yourself, Am I truly stuck, or am I avoiding the discomfort of change?

Next, remember that not every choice has to be monumental. Sometimes the biggest changes start with the smallest steps—a boundary set, a conversation had, a decision to walk away from what’s not working.

And most importantly, give yourself grace. It’s not easy to confront the ways you’ve been holding yourself back. Change isn’t instant, and progress isn’t linear. But every step toward what you want is a step away from what no longer serves you.

Because at the end of the day, life is too short to live on autopilot. And while you can’t control everything that happens to you, you can control how you respond to it. Staying the same might feel safer, but it’s not. Inaction is still a choice, and the longer you stay, the more you’re choosing to miss out on the life you could have.

As for me, I’m learning to lean into the discomfort of change. Because I’d rather risk the unknown than settle for what I know isn’t enough.

What you’re not changing, you’re choosing—and maybe it’s time to choose better.