“I Love You, But I Can’t Be With You” – When ‘Can’t’ Means ‘Won’t’

There’s a particular sting to the phrase, “I love you, but I can’t be with you.” It’s soft enough to sound tender, but firm enough to shut the door in your face. It’s the kind of sentence that feels like a backhanded compliment—like someone admiring your beauty while walking away. You’re left standing there with an empty promise and a hollow ache, asking yourself, What just happened?

I once had someone tell me those exact words. We sat across from each other in a cozy apartment that suddenly felt too small for both of us and the awkward weight of his honesty. “I love you,” he said, looking sincere, “but I can’t be with you right now.”

In that moment, my brain latched onto the first half of the sentence, the shiny, romantic part. He loves me. But as the words lingered in the air like cigarette smoke, the second half set in—he can’t be with me.

And there it was: Can’t. Such a powerful word. It sounds noble, even selfless—like life has thrown him into an impossible situation, and he’s reluctantly bowing out of a great love story. But here’s what I’ve come to realize: most of the time, “can’t” actually means “won’t.”

Let’s be honest: when someone says they can’t be with you, what they really mean is they don’t want to be with you enough to face the discomfort that comes with it. They don’t want to navigate the hard conversations, the messy feelings, or the weight of what real commitment requires. They love the idea of you, but not the work of being with you.

Because love—real love—isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s waking up every day and deciding to show up, even when it’s inconvenient, even when it’s messy, even when life gets hard.

When someone says, “I can’t,” what they’re really telling you is that they’ve decided the discomfort outweighs the value of being with you. They’re choosing easy over effort, and that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

But the dangerous part? It’s easy to take their “I love you” and turn it into fuel for hope. You tell yourself that they’re a tortured soul, caught in circumstances beyond their control. You wait. You rationalize. You think, If he loves me, surely he’ll come back.

But love without action is just a pretty sentence. You don’t need someone who almost chooses you. You need someone who’s all in.

So, how do you let go of someone who loves you but “can’t” be with you? You start by recognizing that “can’t” is not a reflection of your worth. Their inability—or unwillingness—to show up for you doesn’t make you any less lovable.

And then, you take a hard look at what you deserve. Because you deserve someone who doesn’t just say they love you—you deserve someone who shows it. Someone who chooses you fully, not in fragments.

It’s time to stop holding space for people who give you half-measures of love. Stop accepting “I can’t” when what you really deserve is a wholehearted “I will.”

As for me, I’ve learned to hear those words for what they really are. “I love you, but I can’t be with you” isn’t romantic—it’s a cop-out. And I’d rather have the discomfort of letting someone go than the heartbreak of holding onto someone who doesn’t have the courage to stay.

Because in the end, love isn’t about avoiding discomfort—it’s about choosing someone through it. And if he can’t, then he won’t. And if he won’t, then it’s time for you to move on and find someone who will.